A time set aside just for me to gather my thoughts, share my ideas, and to communicate with the world.

April 21, 2010

My New Book Review Blog...

Hello, I decided since I do so many book reviews to have a special place just for them. Please click on the link, I would love for you to continue to follow me on this blog as well.
Talk soon.
Just click on the link, it will take you right to the new blog!

April 12, 2010

Faith.. What am I missing here?

Something came to my mind today, and the sense of fear and abandonment managed to move into full action! To be honest, I was hesitant to even admit out loud or write it on paper for fear, (there's that word again.) of what other's may think of me or how I feel about myself. I then realized that this is my blog, and holding it in, will not ever resolve this "issue" I have, and a serious one at that! Fear and abandonment have been a friend to my family for a long time, or maybe more accurately, "been a friend to me." I hate to feel stupid or rejected so I tend to internalize things and not share much, until it physically makes me sick! Academically speaking, I have always made decent grades, but I tell you I had to study twice as hard as most! Writing to me has always been my way out, but then again, the "fear" of someone actually reading it. Whew!

Ok, so enough rambling..Here is the real deal, I have a really hard time accepting the fact that God loves me, and that his presence is in my daily life. It is so hard for me, because I cant see him. I think it is because of the physical ability to interact with humans, that I tend to gravitate to the "human/physical" side of whomever has been placed in my life. Due to the lack of Faith, and real deep connection I feel alone. I also know that this full emotional dependence on someone else other than God, is real close to the Idolatry Line, for I am not trying to go down that line with HIM! I have already experienced heartache and grieving in my life, so I don't think it is God's intention for me to take that class, but I need the answers Now on how to get there and full relationship with God. I know alot of the text book answers on this, like read the bible, he will speak to you? I know scripture.... I feel like I need to get there with HIM soon, like yesterday! I also know how to repent and ask HIM to fill me with his spirit, but something just isn't clicking!
I know I have babbled, and if I am the only one who reads this, I have gotten it onto paper, and like a research paper, can go back and break it down. It sounds like I am just looking for the "Cliff Notes" on this, and I really am not; I will do the work, just tell me what it is Lord!

April 11, 2010

Thank You God for my Praying Grandma!

I just turned forty (yes, 4-0), and I will tell you that I am just not feeling it. Something about the number I guess, but it puts you in a whole other generation. Anyways, I realized tonight, that as far back as I can possibly remember, my Nanny Interceded on my behalf, and covered me with her prayers!

I don't take lightly what she did for me growing up. She introduced and taught what "Unconventional" Love truly is. In her 87 years on this Earth, I always knew she loved Jesus, and couldn't wait to see him. Looking back as a child, I probably didn't even know that she was praying for me, but she did and continued to cover my children with her prayers as well!,

It is truly God's Grace and Mercy that kept me, but her prayer's sure did help! It takes a very special person to Intercede in prayer with another. She prayed even when she didn't feel like it, she would tell me, "Just keep pushing for it baby, if it is Gods will it will happen."

My Grandparents always took me to church, and I remember that Nanny knew everybody!!!! It was either her prayer group, or woman's group. It was such a wonderful experience, and to truly know that no matter what I did, she would never stopped loving me or interceding for me, and that's what Jesus has done for all of us!
Thank you God for giving me my Nanny! I miss you....

April 9, 2010

Sharing my favorite poem.

To “Let Go” Takes Love
Author Unknown

To let go does not mean to stop caring: it means that I can’t live someone else’s life for him.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it is to realize that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable: but to allow learning from natural consequences
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another; it is to be responsible for myself in that situation.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go means I want what God wants in the situation, not what I think is best for me or another person.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own lives.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the good in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anyone else’s life, but to do my best to become all that I can be.
To let go in not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more.
To let go is to hug someone, but not hold him so closely that he is crushed or smothered.
To let go is to give a person or a situation to God, who is the only One who can work everything together for our good and His glory.

April 8, 2010

"Just Chillin"

It's a few days before I turn the BIG 40! Hubby and I decided to just hang out and rest for the upcoming weekend, he is on leave for a few days now.

Took out the Eagles Final Concert DVD and Eucalyptus candle, turned lights off and can you say relax! I totally am there with "Take it Easy." I love the part of the song, that says "We may lose or we may win, but we will never be here again". I must have been gypsy/hippie in my former life.

Anyways, I have been told that for a woman the forties, are the best years! I don't know, I kinda liked the 21st year, but I am going with it and see where it all ends up!

Until next time.

For Those who have Grieved or are grieving now....

I wanted to share with you something that I wrote after the death of my brother. It was at the time how I was feeling, and since there has been a new season in my life, it reality impact is somewhat diminished.

I wrote this in my Grief Group, but for those still struggling....hope it helps.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 | A Rambling story You know you read so many stories, and know personally people who have lost someone they loved. You not being initially affected, say the standard clique , "I am so sorry, or Is there anything I can do for you?". Well of course, you have to say thank you... but inside, you are thinking, (but I actually said this to someone), well you could bring my brother back to me, that would be nice." Until it happens to you, you empathize with them, and think about them every once in awhile, wondering how they are doing, and go on with your life. Then Wham, something tragic happens to you, someone or something took your heart and soul away from you. I thank God literally for the "shell shock" stage, or the numbing stage... because literally I know the human brain could not handle the impact of something like that all at once. In my opinion, it would literally "blow your mind." So you are numb, desperate for anything to make this pain go away, and to bring your loved one back to you. For one more time, or chance to change the circumstances. Other than self-medicating, being numb is the only time when you experience something but don't feel the real impact of the situation. Then all of a sudden, this protective mechanism goes away, your out there with pain raw to the bone. You literally feel like your bones are crying out, shrieking with pain. unimaginable, until it happens to you. So you barely function, but yet there is so much responsibility, so many things to take care of.... your not prepared, for the minimum amount of days you have before your loved one is buried, or taken "further away." Why is this happening? There are so many people, you think, out there, that don't even care about their family. Why did you take mine? So, as normal as it really is, your faith is tested. You are angry at everyone, God, sometimes family, friends. You are also alone. Because by this time, you feel like your friends have abandoned you. Not really because they don't care about you, its more so because they are uncomfortable with your sadness and despair, and do not know what to say, for they know that there is nothing they can say to you to make you feel better, so they don't say anything at all, slowly disappearing..... Time passes by slowly, life goes on, your family expects you to keep it together, and you try to make "normalcy" a thing of the present. You still have to work, pay bills, be there for your other children, and family... People will mention a "new normal" to you, and it will anger you when you hear it, what is a new normal. Get used to the term, it sticks. Its important for a person who has lost a loved one to "talk about and keep their memory alive," its a way of natural healing, whether or not you are aware of it or not. The outside world remember, is uncomfortable with your displaying of emotions, and needing to still talk about your loved one. They expect you to move on, come on, its been.......months, years..... remember these are the same people, who I wrote about in the beginning. The one's who empathize with you but really havent experienced it themselves. But hold on, you still have to be you, you still have needs and feelings and healing to meet. Its important to find an "outside venue" to do this... Daily Strength, Bereavement Groups, Compassionate Friends, if you have lost a child... Stay connected, I joined a group called Grief Net, when I lost my brother, eight years ago, and it was a group of about 20 people who had lost a sibling themselves, we emailed, communicated, some visited through the years, and even today I receive emails from them. We have gone through Death, births, marriages, divorces.... you name it.... We no longer need the connection that we did in the beginning now, but our friendship grew. So my advise to you, connect, grieve at your own pace. If your not ready to pack up things and discard of get rid of their precious belongings, Don't.... People remember only empathize with you... Don't let anyone or anything rush your grief, because guess what? From experience, I can tell you, you will take that class again. You cannot go around grief, it is something you must do, step by step, daily.... I can tell you that the to the bone pain goes away. You don't feel like you are going to just die, literally you start to slowly breathe again on your own. There is always that feeling, the pit of your stomach, that achiness in your gut..... that never goes away.... just lessens.... There will be good days and bad, some days after eight years, I feel like I did in the beginning.... but most of the days, I can look at his picture, and smile and remember how much I love and miss my baby boy....... Until I see you again.... Peace.. To all others reading this, I know how you feel, it is awful.... I am here for you..... Traci

April 6, 2010

Treasure the time the Lord gives you with your Children!

I was thinking earlier about how I allow Satan to come in sometimes, and upset the balance of spending quality time with my children. It is often during this special time, that the phone will ring, priorities and tasks get in the way and etc... you get the point, something takes us away from giving our kids our full attention. A is 10 now, and is such a sweet, beautiful girl! E is seven years, and he is so smart, all boy, and yet very sweet and cuddly... Precious times! I absolutely love the age that they are at now, wishing we could stay at this time frame a long while. If you are lucky enough to have children, and they manage to survive the pre-teen and teenager stage, your on your way! My daughter K is finishing up her freshman year at college. This was mind-blowing, for she had never left home before, and now she was out on her own! Who is going to be there to protect her? The most highest Jesus Christ.

I often look around at others, and watch them interact with their families, its a universal thing, no matter what language you speak! The only thing different during this time, is the language we communicate with.

I hope and pray that I never have an tragedies with my children. I just wouldn't know how to make it.... I often wonder why he takes from some parents, and not others. I cant imagine what my mom went through when she lost my brother at 24 years old......
guess that's it for now....


April 4, 2010

On our way to Church this Easter Morning.

We have been planning to attend CRC for our Easter Service, and even though its in Norfolk, it is well worth the ride. I always hear the Word when I am there. We really need to find a closer church, for the drive can be long. I dont know if it is because I have been lazy, not willing to change, or what.... in my lapse of finding a church over on this side of the water! Any hew, its no excuse!

Woke up this morning early, kids got their baskets, and we went to the real meaning of Easter. How in the world do you get Jesus rising, and an Easter bunny? What is up with that? Am I the only one who thinks its ridiculous, or what?

Spent time really basking on what it means that Jesus took on all he did for us, died and rose again. If I put into modern times, 2010 as happening, I just dont see what it would be. You know this world, has gotten so anti-Christ, they want to take God out of everything, no prayers in school.... and you wonder why kids are blowing up schools?
Well hope everyone has a great and Blessed Day!

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