A time set aside just for me to gather my thoughts, share my ideas, and to communicate with the world.

April 12, 2010

Faith.. What am I missing here?

Something came to my mind today, and the sense of fear and abandonment managed to move into full action! To be honest, I was hesitant to even admit out loud or write it on paper for fear, (there's that word again.) of what other's may think of me or how I feel about myself. I then realized that this is my blog, and holding it in, will not ever resolve this "issue" I have, and a serious one at that! Fear and abandonment have been a friend to my family for a long time, or maybe more accurately, "been a friend to me." I hate to feel stupid or rejected so I tend to internalize things and not share much, until it physically makes me sick! Academically speaking, I have always made decent grades, but I tell you I had to study twice as hard as most! Writing to me has always been my way out, but then again, the "fear" of someone actually reading it. Whew!

Ok, so enough rambling..Here is the real deal, I have a really hard time accepting the fact that God loves me, and that his presence is in my daily life. It is so hard for me, because I cant see him. I think it is because of the physical ability to interact with humans, that I tend to gravitate to the "human/physical" side of whomever has been placed in my life. Due to the lack of Faith, and real deep connection I feel alone. I also know that this full emotional dependence on someone else other than God, is real close to the Idolatry Line, for I am not trying to go down that line with HIM! I have already experienced heartache and grieving in my life, so I don't think it is God's intention for me to take that class, but I need the answers Now on how to get there and full relationship with God. I know alot of the text book answers on this, like read the bible, he will speak to you? I know scripture.... I feel like I need to get there with HIM soon, like yesterday! I also know how to repent and ask HIM to fill me with his spirit, but something just isn't clicking!
I know I have babbled, and if I am the only one who reads this, I have gotten it onto paper, and like a research paper, can go back and break it down. It sounds like I am just looking for the "Cliff Notes" on this, and I really am not; I will do the work, just tell me what it is Lord!


  1. thank you for the comment on my blog today. I was rambling this morning and felt the need to share my sorrows with the world. Later in the day as I reread my post, I deleted it because I don't want to sound so down. Not a very honest portrayal of myself, but that is how I work.

    I have enjoyed looking over your blogs and have them marked and will keep reading.

    I too struggle with my faith and God in fact my prayer tonight was something like, I don't even think you exist right now but I still want to pray to you in case you are real. Then I poured out my worries and heart to him and told him I hoped that one day I would come to know him. I also apologized for my shortcomings in the faith department.

    I am excited to keep reading about your life. I think you are a very good writer and so honest. Thanks.

  2. Ahhhh - my heart goes out to you and "I am Laura" after this post. I know what you mean. I've been in the same place so many times. I blog about similar issues www.openbookgirls.com.

    What I'm learning is to NOT rely on my feelings... for example, the days when I "feel" lonely, I have to realize it's not from God and that feeling can't dictate my day. The TRUTH is God tells me "I will never leave you or forsake you"... so THAT is what I need dictating my day, not my feeling of loneliness. Know what I mean? I've asked God for His Truth to combat so many areas of doubt/insecurity/loneliness/etc...

    and the other thing for me is to worship... whether it's music or just making myself think and contemplate God as the Creator of the Universe... it just puts everything back into perspective.

    God LONGS for a relationship with each of us. Our enemy will do EVERYTHING he can to destroy our peace and joy in Christ... and we have to be aware of his schemes (creating doubt, fear, insecurity, etc) We have to be able to stand in Truth as worshippers of God almighty.

    This is a big issue, isn't it?? Makes me want to blog about it... when we're honest about it, we all struggle with fears...

    Thanks for following my blog... I"ll be following here as well... stay in touch! I'd love to get to know you better.



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